Holiday Humor: Lists of Rules for Him & Her -1. The Female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules. —- 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down. 2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. 3. Don’t make us guess.
Holiday Humor – Marriage Is… – A best man’s speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials. — A classified ad which read “Wife Wanted” received hundreds of responses, all from men saying “You can have mine.” — A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
In honor of Mother’s Day, here is a little something to make you laugh. These are those little sayings that are passed down from Mother to Child then are magically are said again when that Child becomes a Mother! — A little "birdy" told me! — A little soap & water never killed anybody. — Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident. — Am I talking to a brick wall?
The following sentiments will never be found on a Hallmark card: “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:… What was I thinking?” — “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…. I never believed in Hell until I met you.” —
1. As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. 2. As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time. 3. As a hood ornament. 4. As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can’t kiss you and say, “How much you’ve grown!” 5. As a football for the after-meal game.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
An Irishman, by the name of O’Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.
The young lass on learning it wasn’t real returned to her future husband…
Thanksgiving Cookbook by Mrs. Geraghty’s Kindergarten Class – NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette – Banana Pie: You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
Things Not To Say On Your Valentine’s Date: 1. I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. — 2. People say I remind them of Urkel. — 3. I used to come here all the time with my ex. — 4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.—
Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa: 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
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