Is It Love, Lust or Marriage: LOVE- when your eyes meet across a crowded room — LUST- when your tongues meet across a crowded room — MARRIAGE- when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care —
The following sentiments will never be found on a Hallmark card: “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:… What was I thinking?” — “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…. I never believed in Hell until I met you.” —
The first day after Christmas, My true love and I had a fight. And so I chopped the pear tree down. And burnt it, just for spite, Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa: 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
INGREDIENTS: 1 C Water — 1 C Sugar — 4 Large eggs — 3 C Dried fruit — 1 tsp. Baking soda — 1 tsp. Salt — 1 C Brown sugar — Lemon juice — Nuts — 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey DIRECTIONS: 1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 2. Take out a large bowl.
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor. — 2.Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off. — 3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Amusing tips for keeping the weight off during the holidays: 1 – If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. — 2 – If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. — 3 – When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
A humorous list of Christmas “Carols” for the mental ill: SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear? — MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are. — DEMENTIA –
I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas. — NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Is … ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. TWO: The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is my [Husband]: Rigging up the lights, And finding a Christmas tree.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
This is a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. – “The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different. The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn’t have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscilla Mullins was the captain.”