Weekly Hillbilly Humor: Many, many years ago, when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow, who was pretty as could be, This widow had a daughter, Who had hair of red….
Slanted News: Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
This here is our technology dictionary. Now, if these get to compilated, ya might need to rest yur brain a bit. Maybe drink a beer and watch some NASCAR. BACKUP – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE – Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern.
The first day after Christmas, My true love and I had a fight. And so I chopped the pear tree down. And burnt it, just for spite, Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa: 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
To: Southern USA Residents From: Santa
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
INGREDIENTS: 1 C Water — 1 C Sugar — 4 Large eggs — 3 C Dried fruit — 1 tsp. Baking soda — 1 tsp. Salt — 1 C Brown sugar — Lemon juice — Nuts — 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey DIRECTIONS: 1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 2. Take out a large bowl.
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor. — 2.Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off. — 3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Amusing tips for keeping the weight off during the holidays: 1 – If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. — 2 – If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. — 3 – When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing and they don’t catch anything.
A humorous list of Christmas “Carols” for the mental ill: SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear? — MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are. — DEMENTIA –
I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas. — NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A. So he can ho-ho-ho. — Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? A. Because he had low elf esteem. — Q. What do elves learn in school? A. The Elf-abet!