The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Is … ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. TWO: The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is my [Husband]: Rigging up the lights, And finding a Christmas tree.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
40 Things You Won’t Hear A Redneck Say – 1. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen. 2. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 3. Duct tape won’t fix that. 4. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. >
Bubba’s Sales Pitch: Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.
A Hillbilly family visiting the city…
A Hillbilly family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
This is a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. – “The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different. The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn’t have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscilla Mullins was the captain.”
THE SILVER LINING TO THE BURNING QUESTION “YOU BURNT THE TURKEY?” A DOZEN REASONS TO BE THANKFUL – 1. Salmonella won’t be a concern. 2. No one will overeat. 3.Everyone will think it’s Cajun Blackened.
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they’re heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck
1. As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. 2. As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time. 3. As a hood ornament. 4. As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can’t kiss you and say, “How much you’ve grown!” 5. As a football for the after-meal game.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
Thanksgiving Cookbook by Mrs. Geraghty’s Kindergarten Class – NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette – Banana Pie: You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.
A Smart Hillbilly: “Hello, is this the FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”