Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa: 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
INGREDIENTS: 1 C Water — 1 C Sugar — 4 Large eggs — 3 C Dried fruit — 1 tsp. Baking soda — 1 tsp. Salt — 1 C Brown sugar — Lemon juice — Nuts — 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey DIRECTIONS: 1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 2. Take out a large bowl.
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor. — 2.Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off. — 3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Amusing tips for keeping the weight off during the holidays: 1 – If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. — 2 – If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. — 3 – When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
A humorous list of Christmas “Carols” for the mental ill: SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear? — MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are. — DEMENTIA –
I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas. — NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A. So he can ho-ho-ho. — Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? A. Because he had low elf esteem. — Q. What do elves learn in school? A. The Elf-abet!
The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Is … ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. TWO: The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is my [Husband]: Rigging up the lights, And finding a Christmas tree.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
This is a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. – “The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different. The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn’t have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscilla Mullins was the captain.”
THE SILVER LINING TO THE BURNING QUESTION “YOU BURNT THE TURKEY?” A DOZEN REASONS TO BE THANKFUL – 1. Salmonella won’t be a concern. 2. No one will overeat. 3.Everyone will think it’s Cajun Blackened.
1. As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. 2. As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time. 3. As a hood ornament. 4. As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can’t kiss you and say, “How much you’ve grown!” 5. As a football for the after-meal game.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.