Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa: 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
To: Southern USA Residents From: Santa
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
INGREDIENTS: 1 C Water — 1 C Sugar — 4 Large eggs — 3 C Dried fruit — 1 tsp. Baking soda — 1 tsp. Salt — 1 C Brown sugar — Lemon juice — Nuts — 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey DIRECTIONS: 1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 2. Take out a large bowl.
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor. — 2.Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off. — 3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Amusing tips for keeping the weight off during the holidays: 1 – If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. — 2 – If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. — 3 – When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing and they don’t catch anything.
A humorous list of Christmas “Carols” for the mental ill: SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear? — MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are. — DEMENTIA –
I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas. — NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A. So he can ho-ho-ho. — Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? A. Because he had low elf esteem. — Q. What do elves learn in school? A. The Elf-abet!
The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Is … ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. TWO: The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is my [Husband]: Rigging up the lights, And finding a Christmas tree.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
40 Things You Won’t Hear A Redneck Say – 1. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen. 2. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 3. Duct tape won’t fix that. 4. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. >
Bubba’s Sales Pitch: Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.