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February 8, 2012 | Valentines Day

Holiday Humor: Marriage Is…

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Huddlenet Holiday Humor: Valentine's Day

  • A best man’s speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
  • A classified ad which read “Wife Wanted” received hundreds of responses, all from men saying “You can have mine.”
  • A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
  • A husband expects his wife to be perfect… and to understand why he’s not.
  • A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
  • A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
  • A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
  • A son asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
    Father replied, “I don’t know son. I’m still paying for it.”
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
  • A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.”
    The friend asked, “And what was he before you married him?”
    The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire.”
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
    “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
    The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
  • As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride’s mind:
    aisle, altar, hymn. [I’ll alter him!]
  • Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
  • Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
  • Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
  • Confucius say man who sink into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink.
  • Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
  • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
  • I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  • I never knew what real happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late.
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
  • I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
  • If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
  • If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
  • In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it’s curtains!
  • It doesn’t matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
  • It’s a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
  • Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
  • Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
  • Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
  • Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
  • Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his
  • Bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her Master’s.
  • Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…. Marriage is grand… and divorce is about 10 grand.
  • Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
  • Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
  • Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
  • My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
  • My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
  • My wife’s cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
  • Some mornings I wake up grouchy… and some mornings I just let her sleep.
  • Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
  • The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
  • The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein’ big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
  • They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
  • When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
  • Wife says, “Honey, I’ve had enough of worse; let’s try better for a while!”

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